My keyboard came today. Upon opening the package it suddenly occurred to me that I know absolutely nothing about MIDI. That may be a problem.

OK ‘absolutely nothing’ may be hyperbole.  I do know a little. For instance, I know that MIDI can take my remedial piano skills, mathematically alter them, and leave you believing that I am the second coming of John Tesh. Any computer-generated replacement for practicing your instrument gets a big thumbs up from Johnson.

My plan is to learn MIDI by using an ancient technique that musicians haven’t used in centuries. That is, I plan to read the manual. Yes I am that guy. I read manuals. So sue me. This keyboard has enough faders and knobs and blinkies (oh my) to ruin a perfectly good song in record time. So I will attempt to thwart that sort of tastelessness by spending some time with the instructions.

—American Idol—

Jordin Sparks was far and away the obvious choice to win. Well, at least the obvious choice between her and Blake “I’m so sexy that my lips are slipping off my face” Lewis. The girl who came in 3rd was definitely the best singer out of the lot but Jordin will look better on an album cover so she gets the gig.

This time next year Jordin will be brought back to perform in the ceremonies and she will weigh at least 40 pounds less and will be showing 40 pounds more skin. Guaranteed. Carrie Underwood looks like she’s lost 40 pounds and she did have 40 pounds to lose. Viva fame!