I Am A Man
I am a man. Want to know how I know? I did lots of manly things today. That’s how.
Within ten minutes of getting out of bed this morning I recorded a cowboy song. I’ve found that my voice sounds its coolest as soon as I get up. My range is horrible but my tone is cool so I took advantage and recorded myself sounding cool like a cowboy.
After that my wife fixed me breakfast. A hot breakfast mind you. Manly.
After that I smoked some meat on my new smoker – one turkey and a slew of chicken breasts. The turkey took nine hours of manliness and everyone on the block could smell me being a man. (Wow I really just set that one on the T didn’t I?)
I cut the grass. Manly.
I lifted weights. Manly.
I watched baseball. Manly. However, watching the Cardinals this season is actually more of a manly minus 1.
There are a few manly things that I didn’t do because I didn’t have the time. For a truly successful man-day I would have had to kill an animal for no reason. I would also have had to work on my truck.
I don’t have a truck.
I have an Escort wagon.
I made fun of my Escort wagon just to be manly.
Know how I know you’re not a man? You drive an Escort wagon . . .
Sounds like a pretty nice day. Hope you all have a great 4th of July . . .
You used to own a truck. Does that count?
If this doesn’t qualify for the “Comedic Genius” category then I don’t know what does.
I literally Laughed Out Loud.
You’re a regular Ted Nugent…
Little known facts about Drew Johnson:
Drew Johnson doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Drew Johnson instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Drew Johnson does not sleep. He waits.
Drew Johnson is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Drew Johnson.
If you can see Drew Johnson, he can see you. If you can’t see Drew Johnson, you may be only seconds away from death.
If you want a list of Drew Johnson’s enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Drew Johnson once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Drew Johnson.