I have decided that there is no such thing as bad root beer.

Since Angel is no longer working we’ve had to make some sacrifices – horrible, gut-wrenching sacrifices such as buying cheap soda instead of Coke.

Root beer has proven to be quite the little trooper when it comes to flavor at any price point. You can buy Aldi’s root beer for something like $1.29 for a fifty pound bag and it still tastes awesome. Why is this never the case with cola? Cheap cola always tastes like garbage.

Coke is clearly the standard by which all cola must be judged. Don’t even try and step to me with your Pepsi filth. I can own the Pepsi challenge 100 times out of 100. It’s like asking me if I can tell the difference between strawberries and compost.

Though Pepsi has clearly established itself as a complete failure in the cola market I will concede the fact that they almost redeemed themselves a few years ago with Pepsi Blue. Does anybody remember that stuff? I think is was a mixture of cotton candy and amphetamines. Twenty ounces of that stuff coupled with a Pop Tart would turn me into a workaholic machine in the morning. It would push back my morning crash until 7:45 AM at the earliest.

The new Mountain Dew Voltage is pretty much a Pepsi Blue redux. It contains ginseng this time instead of uppers but we all know that ginseng is the poor man’s crack so it’s basically a wash.

I usually try to stay away from soft drinks with words like “Voltage” in the title. It seems like those sorts of drinks are usually reserved for community college football players and guys who have Billy Squire songs as their ring tones. But even though I try not to look the cashier girl in the eye when I buy one, I have to say that “Voltage” really gives my taste buds a charge.

Sorry for that.

A few more of my favorite, though lesser known, sodas and I’ll shut up.

Dr. Slice. The only place around here that has it is the walk-up Chinese joint. What gives? I love this stuff. Their use of “Dr.” is nowhere near as laughable as Wal-Mart’s Dr. Thunder but I’ll give it a solid C+ on the name choice.

A&W’s cream soda. This is not that pink stuff that some posers would like to call cream soda. This is old school cream soda, that looks like urine. Classic. Love it.