Man vs Wild

January 6th, 2010 |

Tonight I watched Bear Grylls catch a reindeer, shove a knife into its brain, slit its throat, drink its blood and then he cut out its heart and immediately began to eat it. I can only imagine how horrified Santa was.

I think it is inevitable that he will soon do an episode where he will be forced to kill and eat his cameraman. Now that is must see T.V.

Practice Makes Peeved

December 2nd, 2009 |

Tonight we were working with Riley on his catechism questions and there was one question with which he was having a particularly hard time. He kept saying it over and over but would miss a couple of words every time. He was getting very frustrated so I thought I’d offer some encouragement.

Drew: Hey buddy, don’t get frustrated. That’s what practice is all about. You know how when daddy is practicing his saxophone he has to play the same thing over and over and over?

Riley: Yeah, it’s really annoying.

Worship Leader

July 12th, 2009 |

Last Sunday was a pretty big milestone in my life. I was asked to be one of two worship leader’s at our church and last Sunday was my maiden voyage. Of course I was very excited to move into this position. Last Sunday and today both went pretty smooth so I’m very thankful for that.

Today after the service one of the boys in our church who I believe is about eight years old came up to me and handed me a picture he had drawn of me on the back of the bulletin. It’s awesome.

Barf

July 9th, 2009 |

OK who’s ready for another barf story?

A couple of nights ago I went to bed a bit earlier than usual so Angel stayed up messing around on her computer. Lilly was laying in the bed when I got there so I let her stay. A few minutes after I turned off the light she started heaving like she was trying to throw up. So I jumped up, turned the light on and began violently coaxing her off the bed.

Removing a one hundred twenty pound dog from the bed is no walk in the park. Especially one who is currently kind of in the middle of something. So she heaved and I heaved and she heaved and I heaved until I finally got her onto the floor. As soon as her feet hit the carpet she birthed an alien right out of her mouth before my very eyes.

I stood there stunned at the sight of it. Then I ran to the top of the basement step and called down to Angel “Uhhhh, you’re gonna wanna come see this.”

Angel is the designated barf cleaner upper so she reluctantly came upstairs to see the new addition to our family.

She walked into the bedroom and instead of naming the little one like I had expected, she said “What is that?” I was hoping she could tell me.

So she grabbed a bunch of paper towels and picked up the thing to examine it and see if it would cry. Upon closer inspection she said “Well, let’s see, there’s a rubber-band, a tampon applicator, a pantiliner, a Pudding Pop wrapper, some hair and some of the grilled chicken we had for dinner.”

I’ll take the credit for the chicken but everything else came from the little trash can we keep in the bathroom.

We have a very smart dog.

Lilly feels much better now.

The Quotable Johnsons

June 30th, 2009 |

Tonight Riley said “One time I tasted the bottom of my foot. It tasted like meat. That’s because we’re made out of meat.”

He also said “I’m half monkey and half mouse. That’s because I’m good at the monkey bars and I love cheese. But not string cheese. And I’m part funnest man in the world.”

Angel wrote a blog today that I think is hysterically funny. Go read it.

The In Betweens

June 15th, 2009 |

My brother Taylor recently started his own website called The In Betweens.  His idea is to have a bunch of different people tell interesting or funny stories from their life. He asked me if I would do an episode. I agreed.

I just finished it and I’m hoping he’ll think it’s good enough to use. Since I don’t think his site and my site share much of the same traffic I figured I’d go ahead and post it here.

My episode is the story of the most embarrassing event in my life.

Download the mp3 here.

Lilly vs The Hose

May 14th, 2009 |

We are very easily entertained around here.

Ima Kill a Dog

May 12th, 2009 |

Notice anything strange about our tree? Like, how it’s half gone?

I got up this morning and let Lilly out to do her business while I was getting ready for work. Well, apparently Lilly’s business is now the tree trimming business. When I went to let her inside I noticed that she had been kind enough to do a little pruning of the new tree.

So we went to Wal Mart tonight and bought this little decorative fence to keep her out. How is a tiny little fence going to deter a giant dog? you ask. Here’s how. Before we installed the fence Angel suggested we use a technique she learned when she was an interrogator for the CIA. We all chased Lilly around the yard with pieces of the fence banging them together and scaring Lilly within an inch of her tree-trimming life. After she was convinced that the fence was thoroughly set on her demise we put the fence in. Dog traumatized. Problem solved.

Monster Truck Meets the Dog

May 4th, 2009 |

Riley and I decided to collaborate once again on a sequel to The Loser Truck. It didn’t turn out so great. We had a few laughs but it’s not really ready for prime time. Maybe it was the sophomore slump.

The intro was awesome but it quickly took a dive after that. I thought I’d share the intro though because it cracks me up.

If any of you remember the skit comedy show The State from many years ago you’ll most certainly remember their commercial spoof called “Little Brown Dog Food.”  One of the lines was “I don’t eat dog food myself on a particular basis but I’ve heard from sources that it’s good for feeding dogs.” Ever since that skit, we’ve changed our pronunciation of the word dog. Riley demonstrates the new pronunciation in this intro.

The Loser Truck

April 19th, 2009 |

This is what happens when Riley and I team up to make the most awesome Monster Truck movie ever. Even with a very limited supply of footage I was able to make cinematic history. Riley’s emotional monologue to set up the movie is the stuff Golden Globes are made of. Windows Movie Maker (in the right hands) provides more than enough power to stun even the harshest of critics.

You’re welcome.