The guy who created computers is a big old jerk face.

Software is stupid.

Did I ever have any backward compatibility issues with my four-track cassette recorder? When I upgraded from 99 cent cassettes to $1.49 cassettes did I have to install new drivers? Did I ever run into any problems when I wanted to play a band-practice tape in my car even though it was recorded on a jam box?

The obvious answer to all of these questions is a resounding “I don’t remember. That was, like, a really long time ago.”

How perfect is it that my old PC died right after I bought a whole new library of keyboard samples that aren’t exactly compatible with my new PC? Too perfect.

My MOTU Symphonic Instruments software wouldn’t work at all despite the fact that MOTU has released a (reportedly) Vista compatible installer. I searched the Internet high and low looking for help to no avail. I emailed their tech support about a week ago and the status of my message remains “unread”. Lovely! Just lovely!

In one last desperate attempt at finding some help I searched You Tube hoping that someone had encountered the same issues I was having and I’ll be a lemur’s knuckle if I didn’t find someone. A guy in the UK had a video blog ranting about Sonar and MOTU. So I emailed him asking if he could offer some help and I’ll be a newbie’s dongle if he didn’t get me straightened out. Thank you Internet. Thank you terror. Thank you disillusionment.

Stuart Fox is the kindly chap who helped me get my MOTU up and running. Please visit his site and send him money.

Here’s the video.

I found something really cool on YouTube today. It’s Overwhelming Colorfast’s version of The Beatles’ “She Said, She Said.” What’s so cool about that? you ask. The Drew Johnson Band covered Overwhelming Colorfast’s cover of The Beatles’ “She Said, She Said.” This song was in our set list for years but I don’t think people ever knew that it was a cover of a cover.

I don’t really remember how I came across this band. I know I had a cassette of their album so it was probably a promo copy I got from one of the record stores I worked at.

I normally don’t like covers of songs that are drastically different than the original but this is an exception.

This brings back great memories.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a man who goes to a church here in town. He was telling me about a trip he and some of the people from his church took to Lakeland, Florida. He told me about this gigantic ‘revival’ that is going on down there and how God is doing amazing things. This was the first I had heard of the Lakeland revival.

There have been a couple of occasions since then where this revival has been brought up, the most recent of which was Angel telling me that Hank Hanegraaff had done a whole report on it. Angel said “We’ve got to find this stuff on the Internet. You’re not going to believe some of the stuff this Pastor is saying.”

So Angel did some searching and found the clip Hanegraaf was using to incriminate (and rightfully so) this Pastor. Hanegraaf’s broadcast about this can be found here. Under “Recent Broadcasts” click the “Questions and Answers” link next to 6/2/2008.

Here it is.

There is a whole slew of this garbage. If this guy is of the Lord then why do I feel like I’m watching Satan himself mock God?

The website for this revival claims that eight people have been raised from the dead. I watched a video where a guy claimed that both of his legs (amputated at the knees) had begun the grow back during the service and that he could now see through his glass eye.

I have watched countless videos of various ‘faith healers’ who bring people up on the stage who claim that they were healed during the service. But why don’t we ever actually see the healing? Why don’t they bring up a woman with a withered arm and let us see God make it whole? Why don’t they ever bring up a burn victim and let us see God make the skin smooth again? Why don’t they ever raise anyone from the dead on stage?

It would be like going to a magic show where the magician sends his beautiful, young assistant into the crowd for the set-up to his first trick. She goes to the back of the auditorium and finds a top hat with a rabbit in it. She then grabs the rabbited top hat and races to the stage claiming that when she first saw the hat it was empty but when the magician waved his wand she actually watched the rabbit appear in the hat. The crowd goes wild. Everyone believes. Magic is real.

Then she runs back stage and brings out a guy who she claims was sawed in half only seconds before but now look at him, he’s completely all together and stuff. Once again the crowd goes totally berserk. Now he’s going to make an airplane disappear or whatever. You get the idea. But here’s the thing, this magician is selling out stadiums every night with these amazing tricks. He’s on the news. He’s on TV. Criss Angel has a tattoo of the guys face on his chest. And to all of this the rest of us offer a thundering “Huh?”

There are many people who think that these signs and wonders will once and for all prove that God does exists and that it will lead many unbelievers to faith in Jesus Christ. But here’s what I know to be true; if God Himself came to earth and walked and talked with us most of us wouldn’t believe. If God Himself came to earth and raised the dead most of us wouldn’t believe. If God Himself came to earth and healed the sick most of us wouldn’t believe. If God Himself came to earth we would murder Him. If He rose from the dead most of us wouldn’t believe. I know all of this because it actually happened. Even the people who walked with Him and talked with Him and touched Him and ate with Him; the vast majority of them didn’t believe. So what is to make us think that a guy kicking people in the face is going to yield different results?

The apostle Paul writes in Romans 1:16 that the Gospel is the power of God unto salvation. It’s the good news of Jesus Christ that will bring people to belief, not miracles, and certainly not assault and battery.

If the Lakeland folks want to see lives changed, here is the message: Jesus Christ is God Himself in human flesh. He came to earth to seek and save that which was lost. He lived a perfect, sinless life obeying all of God’s laws. He was crucified and suffered the punishment for our sin. He died and rose again on the third day. He appeared to many and told them that He is going to prepare a place for us. He ascended into heaven and now sits at the right hand of God and makes intercession for us.

Without Christ we are without hope. If we repent of our sins and believe on the Lord Jesus Christ we will be saved, saved from the punishment we deserve for our sins. There is no other way to inherit eternal life. When we believe, God imputes Christ’s righteousness to us, and God imputed our wickedness to Christ on the cross. The great exhange.

Did I hear any of that in any of the videos I watched of the Lakeland thing? No.

So why is it that I believe in Christ and so few others do? Is it because I’m a simpleton? Is it because sex, drugs, and Rock-n-Roll just didn’t really hit the spot for me? Is it because I sat down and weighed the pros and cons of Christ verses everything else that might help me sleep at night? No! None of that. I believe because God has granted me belief. God has opened my eyes. God has given me spiritual life. That’s why I believe. It wasn’t anything I did. God showed me His mercy and I’ll never be the same.

Don’t look at the psycho evangelists, look at me. Look at the miracle God has performed in me. I was dead and now I’m alive. Christ did not come to make bad men good. He came to make dead men live.

Check out this Ian Moore video for a second. Well, at least try to get to the chorus.

If you don’t know who Ian Moore is he happens to be one of my musical heros. At the beginning of his career he was one of these impossibly-good-looking-Texas-blues-guitar-player-stud types. He also happens to have one of the most awesome singing voices I’ve ever heard. The Drew Johnson Band opened for him a number of years ago and I got to hang out with him after the show and pick his brain quite a lot. Definitely one of the highlights of my musical “career”. But that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is that he’s wearing a ton of glammy makeup in this video. I was shocked when I saw this being that it seemed so incredibly out of character for him.

That got me thinking about something that I’ve considered many times before: how does a band make the decision to wear makeup? There have been a few bands around town that I’ve known and gigged with who have worn makeup and I always wanted to ask whose idea it was. I always imagined a band rehearsal where one guy finally works up the courage to say “Hey dudes, what are your thoughts on lipstick? Because, I like, totally think it’s right for us.” Maybe that’s not how it works. I don’t know. I just think of the severe beating I would have gotten had I suggested such a thing to any of the bands I’ve played in.

Next thought.

Here’s a video I found of Fiona Apple, Jon Brion, and Nickle Creek singing “Tonight, You Belong To Me.” I love this song and I happen to think that this song provides the most touching moment in The Jerk. I wish I could write songs like this.

Next thought.

A bizarre string of Internet searches this weekend led me to a picture of the store Angel and I worked at in Nashville. It was the Sam Goody at Harding Mall. It was this very store where Angel first cast her gaze upon me and my long, golden locks. She was walking by the store (this was before she worked there) with one of her friends and saw me standing behind the counter and said to her friend “That’s the guy I’m going to marry.” That is the honest truth. So she picked up an application and the rest is history.

Here is a link to the picture. It’s the second store on the left with the pink neon sign.

Next thought.

Angel had a wonderful opportunity this weekend to show just how much she really loves me. This story is rather gross so I’ll try to be as Christ-like as I can in the telling.

We were watching TV Friday night and I got this really bad itch on my left cheek…and not the one on my face. I didn’t think much of it because I happen to be a bit of a bug bite collector. But this itch was pretty intense and there was quite a lump to boot. Angel and I went in the bathroom and closed the door so she could take a look; possibly the most un-flattering moment of my life. She said “There’s a big black spot right in the middle of it.” I told her it might be a tick. I’ve never had a tick before but the thought just jumped in my head.

I’d always heard that tick-removal involves heating up a needle over an open flame and then using in to politely encourage the tick to step away from your skin. We didn’t have a needle handy but Angel grabbed some tweezers and got them red hot. At this point she was pretty sure it wasn’t any kind of creature, she just thought it was the head of the bite. When she touched the tweezers to the thing she immediately became convinced otherwise. I could tell by her repeated screems. “It’s legs just moved!!!” Ok well now we both agree that it is in fact a tick.

The digging and grimacing went on for about five minutes. Ticks have quite the little grip.

She was finally able to remove the thing from my rear. My first point of business was to make sure she still loved me after such an incident. She did…a smidge.

After some Internet research she informed me that the particular type of tick that had violated me didn’t really pose much of a threat as far as diseases go. The Internet said that it would continue to itch for about twenty-four hours and then everything would be fine. That has not been the case. Now the skin around the point of entry is all hard and irritated and it itches like nobody’s business. I’ll be going to the doctor tomorrow since I not only collect bug bites, I also collect humiliating incidents in the presence of women.

My MOTU Symphonic Instrument software showed up on my doorstep Thursday afternoon. I spent the entire evening and a smidge into the next morning trying to get it to work. That was fun.

Here is some valuable advise when researching any software you may be considering purchasing. Don’t just read the professional reviewers, read the user forums too. Read all the average Joe reviewers who say that this software is total garbage and the tech support is abysmal. I encourage you to do this because I didn’t.

For me to say that the audio demos on the MOTU site sound better than the actual product would be a gross understatement. Some of these tones sound so Radio-Shack-Casioesque that it would be laughable had I not spent $300 on them.

But wait, there’s more. As I’ve already mentioned, it doesn’t work. I spent hours updating drivers, re-booting, applying patches, re-booting, uninstalling, re-booting, downloading, tech-support beseeching, and re-booting. I even drank half a gallon of anti-freeze just to bring some joy to the whole experience.

To say that it doesn’t work is actually a bit untrue. It does work as a stand-alone application. It just doesn’t work as a plug-in. Which was the purpose of the purchase.

I am a persistent little elf so through great trial and incessant error I did find a way to make it function with the computer equivalent of duct tape and dry wall mud—OK I don’t even know what that means but whatever, I got it to work in an extremely unorthodox fashion involving Angel’s PC as a make-shift sequencer, cabling across my basement, and some general buffoonery. And all of this because software is nonreturnable after it’s been opened. Brilliant!

There is an upside however. While some of the sounds are quite grotesque, the majority of them are rather convincing with a little squinting and reverb.

Story #2

Angel, Riley, and I went to the mall today. We never go to the mall but we had good reason. Angel had some gift certificates to spend that she received as gifts for Christmas. We went to Macy’s and found a great deal on some Christian Dior perfume that I love. The price was $89 but it had a 50% off sale sign sitting right on top of it. Perfect! Angel had a $50 gift certificate to the mall and a $25 gift certificate to Macy’s.

When we got the the counter to pay, the lady swiped both cards and asked how we wanted to pay for the remaining balance. Remaining balance?!? What remaining balance? We told her about the 50% off sign perched atop the very box that we brought to the counter. “That sign was for the blah blah blah words words words”. Nice! So she terminated the transaction. I said “Those gift cards will still have the money on them right? Even after you swiped them?” She assured us that since the transaction never was completed our money was most certainly still there. Fine.

So we browsed and browsed and browsed and browsed until Angel saw that Bath and Body Works was having a huge half-off sale on all their smellies and such. Right on. Fill ‘er up ma’am. We walked around sniffing everything in site as Angel piled bottle after bottle into her bag.

By this time Riley was getting rather bored and cranky. Which means that Angel and I were becoming exponentially more so.

We finally made it to the check out counter only to learn that “I’m sorry but this gift certificate has a zero balance.” We were directed to the mall’s customer service desk to have them solve the problem. We sighed and rolled our eyes repeatedly, in a very Christ-like manner of course.

At the customer service counter we were informed that Angel’s $50 gift card was indeed safe and sound, however, she would have to wait five to seven business days for the money to show up on the card again. We went home giftless.

And lastly…

Does anybody remember the awesome video game called PaRappa the Rapper. Yeah me too. High five! For those of you who don’t, this first video is of some actual game play. Check it out for a second.

Now check this out. This is some dudes doing a live version of this particular level. This is brilliant.

Jeff H (reader and frequent commenter) sent me a link to a hilarious You Tube video of Eddie Van Halen playing a guitar solo. This video was done by the same guy and is basically the same idea.

I have to say that this is the funniest thing I have seen in a long, long time. I’ve been laughing about this for the last few hours. This video made me soil myself and have an asthma attack at the same time.

A few weeks ago I talked about a group that came to our church called Heartsong. To recap – they totally blew me away. This is one of the songs they did. It’s by Yolanda Adams and it’s called ‘Victory’. This fills me to overflowing with hope for Christian music.

I dug out my copy of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band tonight. It’s playing right now. Everyone who is able to locate your copy in under twenty seconds, high five or whatever. Today is the fortieth anniversary of its release. If you have any form of media outlet in your house you’re already aware of this fact I’m sure.

I think it was Tarantino who suggested that there are two kinds of people in the world, Beatles people and Elvis people. I sort of agree except I prefer to say that the two types of people are Beatles people and Communists. I’m a Beatles person. My wife is also a Beatles person though she is a communist sympathizer.

People who were old enough to appreciate music in and live through the 60s are incredibly fortunate people, save the whole Vietnam thing. The Beatles, Hendrix, Coltrane, and The Zombies (I am fully aware that this list goes on indefinitely) all did their greatest work in the 60s. My favorite album of all time (Spilt Milk – Jellyfish) sounds like it was written in the 60s even though it was made in 1993. I believe that anyone who is interested in learning how to write great Pop music should start in the 60s.

A couple of weeks ago at my worship band’s practice, my cousin Jake, who is 18 and plays electric guitar, made the statement that he didn’t think he’d ever heard The Beatles before. Now Angel would claim that anyone with ears who has been on planet Earth for more than three months has heard The Beatles. She’s probably right. The point is not really whether or not Jake had heard The Beatles but that he didn’t know if he had. I actually found this rather exciting because I made a very similar statement in my first sax lesson in college.

Paul DeMarinis is one of the most renown Jazz educators and saxophone teachers in the country. In my first lesson with him he was wanting to learn about my playing background and what I had been listening to. He asked how much Coltrane I knew. At that time I didn’t even know what instrument Coltrane played. This is like being a wife-beating drunk and not knowing what NASCAR is. I was incredibly embarrassed but Paul was ecstatic. He knew there was an entire world of saxophone incredibleness that I had never even heard. [Incidentally - Coltrane died only a month and a half after The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper's]

That is why I thought it was so cool that Jake had never heard The Beatles. Some of the greatest popular songwriting in history is there for him to discover. His brain is going to explode. Like mine is doing now as “She’s Leaving Home” is playing.

That reminds me, check out this version of that very song. This is stunning. Vic (a regular reader of my blog) turned me on to this and I’m so glad he did.

I should really take blogging more seriously. I have precious little time to commit to this writing exercise so it would just make sense for me to be thinking about it during the day. Maybe scribble out a rough draft. Jot down a couple of notes. Something Johnson, ya bum!

But alas, no.

I usually wait until I’m far too sleepy to be entertaining. Like now. See? This is actually the opposite of entertainment.

Hey! I got it!

OK here.

We rented an incredibly refreshing movie this past weekend. We watched it twice we liked it so much. It’s ‘Stranger than Fiction’. Awesome movie. Some of the most innovative and fresh writing I’ve seen in a long, long time.

Have you seen it? Go check it out. I’ll wait.

See? Awesome wasn’t it. Totally.

There is one extremely profound line in the movie that I think could be applied to the Christian life. (If you haven’t seen the movie this will make no sense. Wait a minute. I told you I’d wait. Why are you reading this part if you didn’t go see it?) Will Ferrell says to Emma Thompson “I love your book. I think you should finish it.” The way the movie is written this scene could work like a person talking to God. I like what you’re doing. I don’t always understand it but I surrender to it. Whatever may come. It’s your book God. Write it.

Of course I watched the special features – twice. The company that did the special effects is MK12. The director of the movie said that this short clip is what made him decide to give MK12 the gig. Very cool stuff.

Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know that I believe Jellyfish’s ‘Spilt Milk’ to be the greatest album ever made. In fact, those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while will know that whenever I talk about Jellyfish I always start out the post saying “Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know that I believe Jellyfish’s ‘Spilt Milk’ to be the greatest album ever made.”

Now that we’ve established that, I found a Jellyfish video on You Tube that I’ve never seen before and thought I’d share it with the class. This song is not from ‘Spilt Milk’, which was their second album, this is from ‘Bellybutton’, their first album.

The singer/drummer/brains behind Jellyfish was Andy Sturmer. Check this out.